Part 7 - Overcoming our Need for Control / Growth in Relationship

“The greatest human growth occurs inside a relationship.”

I read this quote recently and it illuminated multiple phases of my growth in relationship with people, places and experiences.

Earlier in life, my default response was often frustration. Frustration with constantly moving, having to make new friends parents, school and later on romantic rejection, not loving my work  etc.

The smallest of things would irritate me because so many other emotions had built up. I was constantly on the edge and would frequently find myself in a bad mood.

I was trying to control situations to make them pleasant but something or the other would fall out of bounds.

A situation wouldn’t quite workout the way I had planned, and it would frustrate me.

Someone would change a plan and it would frustrate my wanting things a certain way.

Someone would offer alternative ideas and it would challenge whether my idea was good enough.

Underneath it all - it was about my ego wanting to maintain control in my life.

Because in the past I had felt so out of control - about constantly moving as a kid, changing friends, money, love etc.

So there I was constantly trying to manage the frustrations.

People often tell me that I’m calm. I’m calm because I’ve had to learn to be calm through these situations.

And I haven’t always been successful.

Underneath I’m actually an excited being who learned to be calm to manage his frustrations with daily life.

I’m adventurous in spirit. I like to explore, travel, deepen in relationship, learn and grow as a person in the process.

The younger version of me constantly sought new and exciting experiences - festivals, concerts, parties, vacations - experiencing the highs of life was what it was all about. My cousins joked how I would always drag them to the city because that’s where the excitement was.

While these experiences did satisfy me in the moment, they often left me with a void afterwards. I was attached to them.

It all made a lot of sense when I learned that I’m a type 7 on the Enneagram - an Enthusiast.

Eventually I realized that no quantity of ‘exciting experiences’ would ultimately satisfy me.

My ego was constantly seeking satisfaction through these experiences but it was always only temporary. And I could not control how these experiences would always turn out.

All experiences kept changing constantly. Sometimes pleasant and many times unpleasant - which then led to frustration. They couldn’t be relied upon.

It’s why I dove into spiritual growth. Because in my experience, none of these experiences quite satisfied me fully.

I sensed there was more to learn here than to attach oneself to experiences.

As I grew in my experience, I learned to love these experiences but with much less attachment.  I could enjoy them for what they were, however perfect or imperfect in my interpretation, without trying to control the outcome.

This sense of control carried over into my relationships as well.

When we come into a relationship - whether at work or home, we are constantly sensing, interacting, discussing and hopefully aligning on whatever we are up to together.

The ego wants to control but we are not in control. We are in relationship. And a healthy relationship requires cooperation.

A relationship is not about YOU or I. The relationship itself is a distinct entity to be nurtured.

Therefore a healthy relationship can only exist when the ego cooperates.

Any attempts at maintaining control, consciously or subconsciously in a relationship, will sabotage the relationship itself.

If one person tries to control the other, frustration builds up over time, giving rise to an outburst of emotion and eventually anger.

We must realize that we cannot control others. We never will. We can suggest, request, influence or try to demand but ultimately we’re at the mercy of the other person and their own preferences.

What we can do is to share our desires in a healthy way, honor the wishes of others while maintaining healthy boundaries for ourselves.

As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that a lot of life is about learning to let go of control in a way that still honors your personal boundaries and those of others.

Coming into a relationship - whether with a person, place or experience - is a perfect place to practice that.

With this in mind, I invite you to take some time to reflect on the following questions and note your reflections -

• Which circumstances or relationships am I trying to control? 

• What is the cost of maintaining this control for myself and others?

• How is ‘control’ shaping my experience of life?

I would love to hear what comes up for you! 

-Nitin

P.S. A reminder that I’m sharing this story not for the sake of you knowing ‘my’ story; but rather so you can relate through it to reflect on YOUR own life story and step through to become the best version of YOU and create your best life! Thanks for being with me on this journey. 🙏